I am looking in the rear view mirror while stopped at a light trying to get Matthew's attention.  He knows that I am looking at him and he is looking out the window to avoid my eyes.

"Matthew, do you hear me?" I ask.

Matthew says nothing and continues to gaze out the window.

"I am serious, Matthew. 

Still no eye contact or response from Matthew.  He's right behind me and the car is very quiet so I know that he can hear me.

Look, you are not wearing a diaper, Matthew, and you are not wearing underwear so if you have to pee or poop you have to tell me.  Do you get it?"

"Matthew?"

"Me not listening to you, Daddy."

I am stunned into silence as my wife and eldest son stifle a laugh.  Convincing a 3-year old of the virtues of toilet use has strained my communication skills.  Looking back one more time at Matthew as the light changes and we continue on our way to the restaurant I see that he is still gazing out the window.  But now I think I detect the slightest hint of a smile.

What's cool about my son, Matthew, is that he is perfectly willing to tell it like it is.  He can hear and understand the message but he is just not listening - a distinction that is very clear to sellers when dealing with buyers and among sales managers dealing with their sellers.

While as a parent I have an expectation that I will be listened to by my 3-year old son simply because of my authoritative position, my experience with Matthew offers a learning moment.  In most situations, I have to earn listenable status.

Here is how you and I earn listenable status:

1) Develop trust.  The first step in becoming listenable is to convince our audience that our message is designed to benefit them.  That is the nature of trust.  I'll give you my attention and I'll adjust my behaviors if I'm not going to get hurt, be embarrassed, lose money, etc.  An untrusted seller is never persuasive because the prospect believes that the seller has his own interests instead of theirs at heart. 

2) Be credible.  Once we've established ourselves as trustworthy, our message must not strain against credibility.  A politician that promises to increase government spending and reduce the Federal deficit has declared that opposites can be simultaneously true.  People don't believe that opposites can be true and they tune out.  Diet programs that tell us we can lose weight without sacrificing our favorite foods or increasing our exercise ring hollow because it goes against both our experience and our knowledge. 

3) Be consistent.  Some radio advertising sellers declare their stations must be bought because they rank in the top five.  Later, when they drop out of the top five they declare they must be bought because they have the largest percentage of audience in the target demo.  When that is no longer true they say they must be bought because their morning show has the most heritage in the market.  Consistency of message is critical to earning listenable status because it builds trust and credibility.

4) Have a mastery of your subject.  I am more apt to do what you tell me to do if you are an expert on the subject.  When I tell my teenage son to start the lawn mower on the driveway instead of the grass he is aware that I have started the lawn mower hundreds of times and I probably know what I am talking about (who am I kidding - he tries to start the mower on the grass to prove me wrong but you get the idea.)

5) Stay patient.  While "because I said so" works at home some of the time, it doesn't work when trying to convince a seller to behave a certain way.  People learn at different speeds and sometimes even when they are listening to you they can't make the necessary changes instantly.  A good example of this would be my Monday night group tennis lessons.  The instructor has told me several times to set my feet before hitting the shot and I'm listening but not 100% responsive, yet.  Behaviors change over time and patience is your best ally.

All of us would love to hear from you about additional ways to earn listenable status.  Submit a comment and share your experiences.

Update:  Matthew did not have an accident at the restaurant that night and we are seeing daily progress!  Maybe he was listening after all.